What a drag it is getting old.

136.8 today, 136 yesterday, but today is the same as Thursday. I guess a fluctuation of less then a pound over a few days is good news, and I’m still a pound under what I was Monday.

Gym this morning, 33 minutes, 295 calories, 2.67 miles. Average HR 132?

Still eating more “normally” although I’m still REALLY close to my caloric “budget” and way under my max sodium limit, but I feel pretty good today, so I think easing off a little was the way to go.

No gym until Tuesday I think. Follow up at ND on Monday.

136.8 today, which sounds pretty good after all these weeks of dismal failure. The most dismal part of all is that that is less than 4 lbs lost since I started and it sounds good. SIGH.

It’s super hot out. Not yet, but it will be. It feels warm enough already. 89 yesterday, and the ice cream truck (not the regular ole ice cream truck, but one of the FANCY ones) was in the ‘hood yesterday. So we went and got fancy ice cream cones. Honey lavendar. Weird, but good. I don’t even love ice cream that much. It sounds stupid to be talking about getting ice cream right after I’m bemoaning my lack of weight loss, but I never eat ice cream. I don’t remember the last time I had it. I had a single cone.

Way to hot for the gym today. Maybe tomorrow. Follow up with ND in Monday. I forgot earlier, acupuncturist suggested I look at my bloodwork results to see if it showed my sodium level – it does and it’s normal. Ahem.

137.8, which is more than Friday but practically the same as Thursday. I’m not so sad about that, as I have eaten what I wanted all weekend, and I feel much better for it.

After having been pretty restricted for this long, “falling off the wagon” isn’t a big deal. I may have gone over on calories (and for sure on the sodium), but I don’t think by much. I’ve also noticed that this grazing thing doesn’t work for me. Saturday, I didn’t eat breakfast, or anything for that matter, until lunch. I had a sandwich, and 12:30. Didn’t have anything else until dinner. At about 8:15. Couldn’t finish dinner. So I really didn’t like, hog out or anything. The only reason my calories would be over would be because of bread and booze, I’m sure.

Yesterday, we went to dim sum at about 11, and again, I got full way easier than usual. And then wasn’t hungry again until 5. We had a big dinner, but not crazy big, and still pretty healthy. Yes, there were snacks, but I had a few chips with salsa and a few potato chips, only. It really couldn’t have been that bad.

Also, today was 4 week measurement day.

Waist at bellybutton = 32.75, at widest = 34, hips = 42.5, right thigh = 25.5, left thigh = 25.25.
I’ve lost inches. An inch at the widest part of my waist, 3/4, at the bb. 1.5″ off the hips, 3/4″ – 1″ off of each thigh.

At least that is something. I guess I’ll try to get back to being a little more careful about what I’m eating for the next week until I’m back in for the next follow-up, but after that I’m eating and drinking what I want (for the most part, anyway) and just going to the gym for the exercise, I think that’ll be a better plan for me. This low sodium thing is bullshit.

136.2. That makes me feel better, even though I know that by tomorrow it could be back up a pound or three.

So tired today, and knees aching so badly I did not get up to go to the gym. Also, I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep at work, so I figured a few more hours of sleep was probably a good idea. I don’t know what else to say, other than I just don’t feel well.

137.6. That’s up a pound since yesterday, again.

I really don’t get it. Sure, maybe I didn’t go to the gym for a week, but it’s not like I was languishing on the couch watching soaps and eating bon bons. Even on Monday, my day off, in addition to the regular, every day cleaning I do every day, I was cleaning and re-organizing the garage, attic and office. Not digging ditches, no, but hours of lifting and moving and activity.

And I keep track of what I eat so carefully, it’s a full time job. And it’s all fruit and vegetables and whole wheat and brown rice and quinoa. It’s ridiculous. I’m hungry all the time, even after carefully adjusting over months so it shouldn’t be too shocking. Hungry all the time, tired all the time, working out all the time, and I still can’t lose weight. I hate that my joints ache, it’s not even cold. I hate that even with all this, I swear I looked pregnant this morning. I should be whittled way down by now. Who can live like this? Never eating enough to feel not hungry anymore, exhausted and feeling terrible. I went to bed at 9 last night. Slept for 8 whole hours. Still so tired.

Now I’m at that point where I’ll be counting down the days to my next doctor’s appointment again, hoping one last time that she’ll tell me there’s something wrong with me, that there is some sort of medication I can take that will help.

Did not go to the gym again. Slept terribly. Simply could not get up. Slept another couple of hours and woke up still exhausted, with a throbbing headache and feeling terrible. I don’t remember ever having felt this terrible when I wasn’t actually sick.

I felt a little better after I weighed myself. 136.6. That’s 1.6 less than Monday. Maybe I can go to the gym tomorrow if I can get to bed super early tonight.

Didn’t weigh myself today. Yesterday I was at 138.2.

Haven’t been to the gym since last Tuesday, and today I decided I’m not going until tomorrow morning to make it one full week off. I felt like I needed it. Last Thursday, I woke up with my arm hurting super bad, but it wasn’t a muscle issue. It was stabbing pain whenever I lifted or twisted it, or goodness forbid, both. It hurt all day, so I just took Friday off too. I figured some extra sleep couldn’t hurt.

Walked to work and home Saturday. After eating pretty darn well all week, we went out that night. Still did not have that much to drink or eat. Alex had Chinese food when we got home. I only had a few bites. I kind of stopped keeping track of all of my food for a couple of days at this point also. It’s exhausting and time consuming to do constantly.

Sunday we went out to breakfast, but I neither finished mine, nor took the rest home. I didn’t really have anything else for the rest of the day, except for a couple more bites of the Chinese food and maybe some berries. Just wasn’t interested.

Didn’t really eat that much Monday either – a leftover barely seasoned piece of chicken breast, a few crackers, a tiny steak (didn’t finish, either) and carrots and peas for dinner. I did have a couple of drinks though. it was on this day that I lost it with the salt a little bit. But only a little. I ate those few crackers (like, three) and a few others later. I didn’t put my steak in soy and teriyaki sauce like I wanted to, but I did season it with kosher salt. Not enough to even taste it though. I really went nuts at about 10pm though. I made a sandwich. With lunch meat. And mayo. And mustard. And a salt. Honestly though, I’ve had so little to eat and so little sodium, I don’t think it makes a difference. I was still hungry after. And could barely taste the salt. Still craving it, badly.

Last night, I slept soundly, solidly and for a long time. I’m still super tired. Still always hungry, never “full”. Still feel disoriented and mentally slow, as well as uncoordinated.

Today I’m back to normal eating. Tomorrow I’ll go back to the gym.

136.2 today. That’s up about a 1/2 lb, despite having been within the calorie budget all week, and even if I didn’t go to the gym this morning, I did take a brisk walk last night for about an hour, or 2-2.5 miles.

I was way too tired to go to the gym this morning. I was sitting on the couch waiting for coffee to cool, and fell asleep. I keep fprgetting to take my vitamins at night.

135.8, that’s another half a pound or so down.

I should have gone to the gym this morning, but I went to bed a little later than usual, and then there was a ruckus outside a while after I went to bed, and then the hour of alarm this morning before my alarm was set for, I figured, sleep again today.

Even putting salt on that pork loin last night, and having a couple of handfuls of salty popcorn at the movies, I think I came in well under again for sodium, and just under for calories.

Kind of depressed about not having a regular lunch today. I MISS SANDWICHES. Sorry, but blueberries, cherry tomatoes and a couple of slices of cheese is not lunch. I was hungry when I went to bed last night : (

136.4, same as yesterday, although BF % is higher. After a day when I’m pretty sure I fell just short of my 1200 and sweated my ass off in yoga. Oh boy. At least I didn’t gain a pound and a half.

Sodium was super low, lowest yet. I think I’m going to put some salt on this pork loin tonight, dammit. I came in well under for all of last week also.

I wouldn’t be surprised if stress is keeping me fat though, if that’s really true. It’s funny, I have done SO MANY things in my life to reduce stress, and feel that I am FAR LESS stressed than I used to be, but then I have the weight thing and the blood pressure.

The working out is a big point of stress. I was so super busy yesterday, trying to deal with the groceries before I went to yoga, and I did so many things after and I have the same kind of thing going on today. Trying to squeeze in hours of exercise per week into an already overfull schedule is stressful. And yet, you’re really not supposed to sit down on the couch and watch tv, ever. Uh-huh.

Even though I’m taking more fish oil now and the MSM+Glucosimin+Chondroitin, things are still aching. Last night, I had to have my own extra blanket to provide enough warmth to help the aches. I felt fine when I woke up this morning, but now my knee and hip are achy.

And food still just sucks. We had some really great little steaks last night, so tender, but I didn’t like my seasoning at all, which pretty much ruined it. If I’d realized that I was so low on sodium for the day, I’d have just put some damn salt on it. The corn, too. Everything last night was so sweet. Ick.

Speaking of sweet, this whole breakfast thing sucks too. I don’t even like breakfast, unless we’re talking about an Eggs Benedict or something on the weekend. I can’t get into any of the things I can eat on a regular basis. I’m not a big fan of cereal, but that’s what I end up eating, especially now that I’ve realized how much sodium is in ALL bread, so I’m not eating toast. Where does a serving size for cereal get off being 2/3 of a cup or less? Even granola, which is the most filling won’t do shit for you at that amount. I’ve been eating about a cup of cereal, plus fruit and I’m not full. Forget full, how about just “not hungry”?

I have long made sure that I stop eating when I’m no longer hungry, which is well before FULL. But now, I’m hungry. All the time. I never, ever get to the point where I am not hungry. And still not losing any weight, really.

P.S.

Besides being tired even though I’ve been sleeping well enough, I am way more clumsy/uncoordinated than usual, and completely scatterbrained.